The Silent Breakdown
by Orihara Arisa
Summary: "If someone's way too cheery, he really needs help." "You can't generalize people like that." But deep down Nagisa knows, that he fall to that category. Angst. Main pairing: MakotoxNagisa Side pairing: ReixNagisa, MakoHaru, and Rinharu.
1. Chapter 1

The Silent Breakdown

Disclaimer: Free! is not mine.

Written for Wolfingsmeier.

1: I Hate Myself

He never looked this way.

His gaze was fixated on another, sometimes with a glint of jealousy that I obviously noticed.

If only I can do something… that would be great.

If only I can just drag him away, forcing him to be mine, that would be great.

…But I can't.

"Nagisa-kun? The club has ended."

I opened my eyes, looking at my blue-haired teammate, Rei-chan. He looked serious as always, so I climbed my way out the pool, and kicked some water towards Rei-chan.

"You look so scary, Rei-chan!" I laughed and ran away.

But I forgot that running around the poolside wasn't recommended.

"Whoa-" I slipped, but when I braced myself for the upcoming fall, I found something cushioning my back instead, preventing me from falling.

"Careful, Nagisa."

I always liked his voice, and I actually liked it more because he said my name.

His eyes were now fixated on me.

"Nagisa-senpai, you should not run on the poolside!" Rei-chan looked at me with worry, but I brushed it off with a wide grin. The warmth on my arm left, and it felt cold.

"You should take a shower and leave, it'll be cold soon." He walked to the pool, calling Haru.

Again, I can see the joy inside his glowing eyes.

I felt sick now.

"Nagisa-senpai?"

I looked at Rei-chan, who looked at me with concern.

"I want to take a shower," I attempted to sound okay, but I knew it wasn't convincing enough. I could see from his eyes that he wasn't convinced too. Gladly Rei-chan did not push me, and he walked away, leaving me smiling weakly to the sight of Makoto Tachibana.

Who was happily chatting with Haruka Nanase.

And…

Who was responsible for making me to feel this way.

And…

To make me feel disgusted of myself more of anything else.


	2. Chapter 2

The Silent Breakdown

Disclaimer: Free! is not mine.

Written for Wolfingsmeier.

2: The Unrequited Jealousy

I deliberately increased my skinship with Rei-chan lately.

Somewhat I felt horrible for treating Rei-chan like a tool, but I just couldn't help it.

"Nagisa-senpai, please stop latching on to me, we've arrived."

"Boo!" I stole a glance at Makoto.

He was looking around, and I knew that he was searching for Haru-chan.

I unlatched myself from Rei-chan, walked to the changing room while staring at him from afar.

"He didn't get jealous."

Even though I hated to admit, but I wanted him to feel jealous. I wanted him to actually tell me not to get over friendly with Rei-chan, and do that to him instead.

But no.

He wasn't even looking this way.

He wasn't even paying attention to me.

His attention was for Haru-chan and Haru-chan alone.

_It sucks, it sucks!_ I gritted my teeth, but while keeping the cheery outside.

_Why won't you look at me, Mako-chan? If I become stronger, if I become faster, will you look at me?_

_Will you stop looking at Haru-chan for once?_

_Will you just look at me, care for me, and just-_

"Nagisa-senpai."

I looked at Rei-chan, again, still keeping my cheery expression. "Yes, Rei-chan?"

"Uh…" He scratched his cheeks, sign of his nervousness, perhaps. "I just read in a book, if someone's way too cheery, he really needs help. Like, you're always be so energetic and everything, but everyone barely know about you, so… uh, I mean-"

…_Rei-chan…_

_Why, of all people, Rei-chan has to be the one who noticed?_

_Why not Mako-chan?_

_Why not Haru-chan, so he can just pave my way to Mako-chan?_

_Why it has to be you, someone that I've treated like a tool to gain Mako-chan's attention?_

"… Not all people are like that, you know… you can't generalize people just like that," I looked at his eyes, trying to look convincing. _If I avert my eyes… he would know that I just lied smoothly through my teeth just now…_

"But you don't look okay, like-"

"I SAID I AM OKAY!" I screamed, only to regret it a while later. Rei-chan obviously weren't convinced with it just now… and…

If they asked what is it…

Mako-chan will know…

That I-

Fell in love with him.


	3. Chapter 3

The Silent Breakdown

Disclaimer: Free! is not mine.

Written for Wolfingsmeier.

Chapter 3: The Fall

"Nagisa, you are not going to school?"

"No, sis, I don't feel quite fit today," I replied weakly. "I'll… stay home for today."

"Ah, too bad. I'll buy you strawberry shortcake later! I hope you recover soon!"

And then silence enveloped the room.

I flipped my cell phone open. There are messages from Rei-chan, Haru-chan…

And Mako-chan…

But I was too scared to open them.

_What will they ask?_

_How would they react to my actions yesterday?_

It was horrible. I should not let my emotions overtook my body. Logic, Nagisa, logic! He will hate you if you admitted that you like him!

Even though Mako-chan is gay, he would definitely choose Haru-chan over me…

The thought alone made me sick to the stomach.

_Keep all the disgusting thoughts to yourself, Nagisa! You ain't worth him-_

_You're just no one._

_Anyone can replace you easily._

_You're just a person that can be anywhere._

_You're not unique,_

_You are masking your disgusting thoughts with a fake cheery front,_

_No one will accept you just the way you are. That's just-_

_Bullshit._

But again, I couldn't stop wishing.

I wish…

Someday…

There will be someone, specifically Mako-chan…

That will accept me for the way I am.

But again, my mind can't stop saying…

And I knew all along, that it's true…

That it's impossible.

"Damn it…" I hugged my bolster, burying my face on it.

The sound of the bell surprised me, and I immediately ran to the window, wishing that it was Mako-chan that is looking for me.

But-

Again-

It was Rei-chan.

My heart sank to my stomach, and the sudden change of position made me very dizzy,

And I was a second too late to grasp the balcony.

So I fell.


	4. Chapter 4

The Silent Breakdown

Disclaimer: Free! is not mine.

Written for Wolfingsmeier.

Chapter 4: I'm tired of chasing

I felt horrible.

My entire body felt as it was burning, and I was sure that I would need at least twenty tablets of painkillers to neutralize this pain.

Gladly, I was still alive. I wasn't sure which to feel, to be glad or to be disappointed. Oh, let's just say that I was glad for the sake of the good impression of Hazuki Nagisa.

Anyway, I was saved by Rei-chan. He caught me so I won't fall too hard, but I still felt horrible anyways. But thanks to him, yeah, my life was still attached to me. After that, he took me to his house, and…

Here he is, lecturing me about how I should not be so reckless.

"How could you be so reckless, Nagisa-senpai?!" He scolded me with widened eyes, as if those two angered eyes would pop from its socket. He wasn't scary at all though, I could see that he was dead worried. But… it had been hours and he wasn't finished with the lecture yet? That was… a bit overboard. Even my mother never scolded me this much. At least he didn't tell my mom or my sisters, so I'm glad for that.

Anyway, back to the lecture. Usually, I will always reply to Rei-chan's lecture and scolding with jokes, but I was too tired to counter him, so I let him be. He was repeating the same sentence over and over, and I chuckled inside. He didn't seem to notice.

"You always make other people worry so much! Seriously, what's going on with you?"

Listening to him, I couldn't help but smile painfully inside.

_Why did Rei-chan always care about him so much?_

_Why is it always Rei-chan to first save me, ask about my condition, to just care?_

_Again, why isn't it Mako-chan?_

…_Honestly, I'm tired of chasing…_

_Sorry, Mako-chan…_

"Rei-chan."

"Yes, Nagisa-senpai? Do you get what I'm say-"

I leaned forward, and kissed him without any hesitation.

"Thank you for your concern… and… will you be my boyfriend?"

I never saw him blushed more.


	5. Chapter 5

The Silent Breakdown

Disclaimer: Free! is not mine.

Written for Wolfingsmeier.

Chapter 5: Don't play around with people's feelings.

"You two are dating?" Mako-chan asked in a surprised manner. _Yeah, no wonder, _I smiled painfully inside. _This is better. He will never see me as someone to date anyway. Forever, I'll…_

Rei nodded, his cheeks were tinted pink. "Yeah… I and Nagisa… are officially dating from yesterday.

"Whoa… this is unexpected, but congratulations anyways," Mako-chan smiled, made something inside me sting a little. _It doesn't matter now…_

"Who topped and who bottomed?" That voice- I looked to the right, seeing Haru-chan who was in the pool already. He always showed up in the most unexpected time, and with unexpected questions, too. Seeing Rei-chan condition who was too shocked with the question, I took the responsibility to answer. "Of course Rei-chan bottomed!"

"I WILL NOT BOTTOM," Rei-chan immediately replied, emphasizing every word while lifting the bridge of his glasses.

"Eeeh? But I was the one who proposed first," I pouted jokingly.

"That wasn't a valid reason to make me bottom for you, Nagisa," Rei-chan replied. _Ah, tsun-tsun as always, _I chuckled a little. Well, at least he dropped the suffix –senpai.

"But… Rei-chaaaan…"

"No."

"C'mon guys, I know this is your happy lovey dovey day, but please do not disrupt the club activities." A sudden interruption from Gou reminded us to go back to practice. "Come on, stretch yourself!"

"Yeeesss, ma'am!"

When Rei-chan and Mako-chan went to stretch, Haru-chan called me. "Nagisa, come here for a second."

"Yes, Haru-chan?" I smiled while squatting next to the pool. "Something the matter?"

"Do not play around with people's feelings."

…_What?_

_He knows?_

_And…_

_What privilege he had to speak to me like that?_

_I mean…_

_He played around with my feelings, too! _

_Even though indirectly…_

_Even though… I never confessed directly that I liked Mako-chan…_

_But-_

Before I am able to speak those out, a hand touched my shoulder.

"Nagisa-senpai, we should stretch."

…He used the suffix again.

That means-

I looked back, and saw pained expression in Rei-chan's face.

"And, I think we should evaluate this relationship again," Rei-chan said, "shall we meet after practice?"

_He…_

_He knows._

_I'm-_

"Alright…"

_I'm sorry…._


	6. Chapter 6

Update after forever. Thanks for the follows and favorites!

I love self-harm and suicide topics so beware for one.

The Silent Breakdown

Disclaimer: Free! is not mine.

Written for Wolfingsmeier.

Chapter 6: I'm sorry

"Nagisa-senpai, I am aware that this relationship is not really something that you want."

I looked down to the asphalt, not denying any of his words.

"…And I'm aware that I am not someone you seek either."

"I'm-"

"You didn't need to apologize, Nagisa-senpai. I was a fool to think that I can win over your heart from Makoto-senpai."

I widened my eyes, as I was very surprised that he knew.

_He always understands me… and yet, why can't I avert my eyes from Mako-chan? I want to love him…_

"I want to love you, Rei-chan… but…" I bit my lips, as Mako-chan's face comes back to mind.

"I know," he smiled understandingly, "I know."

The way he repeated it made me feel even guiltier.

"We're both heartbroken, so we're even," Rei-chan's lifting the bridge of his glasses, attempting to hide the tear which almost escaped his eye. He wiped them off with his thumb, pretending it never happened.

_Why…_

"Then, Nagisa-senpai, this shall be the end of our relationship. I shall go home before dark," with those words, Rei-chan left me. Without even looking back.

Somewhat, I felt so lonely.

Mako-chan never looked at me. Rei-chan left me. Haru-chan got in the way.

And then I was just here, alone and sad.

Heartbroken and guilty.

I walked to my house, without even bothering to say 'tadaima' and just went straight to my room.

_What the hell…_

_I never thought I'll resort to this again._

"Maybe, a real farewell?" I whispered to the thin air, which no one answered. I took a key from under my bed, and unlocked the box I've been keeping under my clothes for years.

"Rei-chan will scold me if I dare to end it all," Nagisa smiled weakly, "and if he finds out, too…"

_But just a little…_

_Just a little bit, so he won't notice…_

_Just a little bit, so I can relieve this pent-up stress…_

_Just a little bit…_

I took the cutter from the box, a cutter that has been stained with dried blood.

"It has been a very long time," I muttered. The last time I had to resort to that, and when I was introduced to self-harm, was actually during the middle school. I was bullied, as I was too straightforward. And apparently people disliked that, so I turned into a quiet little boy.

But when I saw Mako-chan again, I was afraid.

_I was afraid that Mako-chan will find out._

_I was afraid that Mako-chan will hate me._

This Nagisa was not the same Nagisa he used to know.

This Nagisa was not positive. Was not cheery. Was not happy.

And was not hopeful. Depressed and suicidal, even.

So I forced myself to be that ol' Nagisa. Happy, energetic, and cheery.

Even though I was scared to death when other people stare at me.

If Mako-chan was beside me, I have nothing to fear.

But if Mako-chan himself was the one killing me,

What should I do?

I took a long time in staring at the cutter, lots of thoughts going around in my head and I couldn't even sort it out. It was too much for me to handle, and I was about to vomit when I heard a knock.

"Hey, we're going out. Are you going to go with us?"

"No, I'm fine. Takeaway?" I replied with a surprisingly cheery tone. Maybe I've adapted to this personality too well.

"Alright," and the fading footsteps let me take a breath. I must be too focused that I couldn't even hear the footsteps.

_Do it?_

_Or not?_

_Holding on?_

_Or fall?_

_Which one is the best?_

I closed my eyes, and lowered the cutter on my arm. Not on my wrist, because that would be too obvious.

It slit my skin open, and the familiar coppery smell somehow soothed me.

"Just a little, I'll just say I got scratched," I mumbled. "This will be the last time. Everyone will notice if there's a second one."

Too bad, I couldn't keep that.

To be continued.


End file.
